This post may end up falling into the category of "Deep Thoughts Rarely Are"but bare with me, I have to get this out of my head so I can stop thinking about it and get on to the next thing today.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Posted by Goob at 8:16 AM
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and referred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Chapman,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Chapman are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
leave me alone?'
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
October 9: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 14: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least!
15. October 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Posted by J. P. at 8:33 PM
We would like to offer you a job on your computer.
We send you the texts with important information for our employees
and you need to correct the texts as an
English-speaking person and then send back the revised text.
Please note that we don't have a fixed salary for this vacancy.
We will pay you $8.00 for every 1Kb of the corrected text.
The salary is paid at the END of month.
Every month your salary will vary depending on your activity.
Example: In case you correct about 5Kb of text a day, you will get
over $850.00 at the end of the month.
If you are interested in this vacancy, please, send the information mentioned below to the following address: firstname.lastname@example.org
CITY, STATE, ZIP CODE:
Phone number (home or cell, it is desirable that it should be available any day time):
AVAILABLE TIME TO WORK WITH US:
As soon as we receive your application, we will investigate it and
contact you with more information within 24 hours.
Please, do not hesitate to contact us if you have any questions.
Looking forwrd to your application.
FairLove Delivery Service
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Almond M&M's are not health food.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Get your cucumbers and onion sliced up. Put them in a VERY LARGE bowl. Weren't they kind to look pretty for me all by themselves? This is how they dumped out of the food processor, no joke, no high-tech food arranging done here, they just naturally wanted to look pretty so you would say "ooh, I MUST try those!".
Mix vinegar and sugar, 2 parts sugar to one part vinegar. (for this big batch I used 4 cups sugar, 2 cups vinegar) add salt and celery seed to taste (for this batch I used 2 t kosher salt, and 1 t celery seed). Combine, and toss with your cucumbers and onions. Let marinate over night.
Portion into plastic bags, seal tightly. Place in freezer, let freeze for two weeks. (I'll admit to taking them out before two weeks is up and they taste delicious!)
When ready to eat, take bag out of freezer, let thaw, enjoy!
I personally think they are best when the liquid is still a little slushy. Perfect for those 100+ degree summer days.
Posted by Goob at 8:22 AM
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I may be the worlds most unromantic woman. Flowers? Love them! (Do not interpret this to mean I don't enjoy flowers) But I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do with them. Am I supposed to put them near a sitting chair and gaze longingly at them whilst considering the object of my affection? Am I to do little else but consider their beauty until they die? Do I put them on the dining table only to be removed each night with little more thought than if it were a crumpled peice of homework? Should they be in the bedroom giving off their sweet scent so I can walk in and say "ahhhh" at the end of the day?
What about a romantic dinner for two? What are you supposed to talk about? Maybe talking is not the point? But if you're going to go to the effort of getting dressed up, hiring a babysitter, and paying somebody to fill your glass, why aren't you talking? We can sit silently next to each other for free, in our PJs!
Weekend getaway. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to use those kinds of times to discuss family finances, discipline problems, or mental health...I think I have it pretty well covered what NOT to do...but after you get to stay up late, sleep in later, and enjoy room service...what do you do with the rest of the day? I think you're "supposed" to go on an artwalk, or visit a gallery or a botanical garden. Maybe you're supposed to shop for diamonds, or get a massage...that's what all the magazines show happy relaxed people doing. But I'm not sure that's how I would want to spend my time off.
Seems like a waste of time, in a way. And now my lightbulb just went off!!! I know what the problem is! Its not about being unromantic, its about feeling guilty, and feeling guilty is LAME. If the flowers aren't in the right spot, I will feel guilty that my husband may think I don't appreciate them. If the evening out isn't packed with interesting conversation, I will feel guilty if my husband thinks I didn't appreciate his efforts at something nicer than a drive-thru. If we did get a weekend away I would feel guilty that my time off wasn't being used to clean the house, play with the kids, or prepare a month's worth of freezer meals. (like I would even be doing that if I were home!lol)
WOW I didn't know this was where this was going when I started writing this, but I'm so glad I got here. Ok, JP, if you're reading this, you have my permission to try to bring out the romantic in me! (But don't feel pressured into doing it, because I'll probably feel guilty that you felt like you had to do these things now after reading this) Look at that! I created a no win situation with just a few strokes of a keyboard. I'm an outstanding spouse that way.
P.S. JP already knows the real way to my heart is to take me into real or percieved wilderness for a day. A Diet Pepsi, a snickers bar, and a nice little hike do my heart good. (my romantic heart, obviously my real heart would fare better minus the pepsi and the snickers bar)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I've been back in the work force for a year now, and its feeling like its time to move towards a more career oriented situation than I am in now. I have the skills, I have the desire, I have the motivation. Its time.
Posted by Goob at 8:18 AM
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Am I the only person on the planet that cannot even begin to comprehend what the purpose of a vibrating mascara wand is? WHY would I stick a vibrating point with a spikey brush on the end anywhere NEAR my EYE~! I am completely confused and just don't get it. And where do they stock this exactly? Next to the fingertip massagers?
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Polly Wolly Doodle was the song. Angela was the girl dressed in a gold lame skirt, cowboy vest and hat, and tap shoes. Gabriel was the boy who found himself smitten by this dark haired angel of a girl who lives up the street.
Posted by Goob at 11:20 PM
Friday, May 15, 2009
That is not a name I like to hear being tossed around my home, but today, I'm tossing it at myself. It has been brought to my attention that I did indeed recieve a hand-drawn mother's day card from Gabriel, my 6 year old. He handed it to me at the end of the three hour block at church on Sunday. In my hasted to get out of there, I stuffed it in my purse never giving it another thought until I had a mjor information emergency on Tuesday and pulled it out to write down phone numbers, contact names, addresses, websites etc all over the back.
Posted by Goob at 9:50 AM
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I dont' think there is any way to convey strongly enough how badly I want to be that woman who is so satisfied with her life, so joyful in her relationships, so confident in her abilities, that Mother's Day could come and go without acknowledgement, and it would have zero impact on my feelings about myself or my family.
But I can't find that woman inside of me. She is just not there. I tried, I tried so hard to not care that the day passed without acknowledgement from my husband or children. I really, REALLY tried. But it got to me, and the more it got to me, the more angry I became with myself for letting it get to me. The more angry I felt, the less kind I was. Patience? Have none. Jealousy? Plenty. And all I can do is beat myself up for not being able to be that woman who can go through life not needing the reassurance that she's appreciated. But the more I beat myself up over it, the worse my behavior is, and the more my family is convinced that I don't deserve appreciation, what's left to appreciate when mom's not patient, kind, or loving? And to think, all I wanted was to be told "Thank you Mom, we know you work hard." Maybe a little hand-drawn card would have been nice too. I would also have accepted "I wanted to do x,y, or z for you, but with trying to make a move and everything we have to do with that, I thought we better wait till things calm down." Perhaps a "I know you said you didn't need anything, but I want you to know how much you're appreciated" accompanied by a kiss would have done something for me. but none of those things happened, and I felt like a servant on the day most of my friends were being treated like queens.
I know I'm not alone in this, I know there are others who were A: let down, and who are B: beating themselves up over the fact that they just can't seem to find that woman inside them who doesn't need the acknowledgement. So my question is this: Is it possible to be the woman who doesn't need it? If it is possible, is it just a single decision you make? Do you just decide "I am now the woman who does not need thanks or acknowledgement on a designated day of the year in order to be happy and satisfied." (And let me just say, and I think my blog generally displays this fact...I am VERY happy with my life. I love my family, and I know they love me, I just can't seem to not care about this stupid designated day of appreciation being overlooked) or is it a series of decisions that you make that get you to the point that you don't need it? Maybe the key is just admitting "Hey people, try as I might, I am not going to accept being overlooked on Mother's Day, so please, don't put us all in this position, do something, anything, and tell me I'm special ON Mother's Day, even though you tell me all the time, say it again, Please! Because I am lame and I need to know that you think I'm just as important as poor Joey Crack Head thinks his Mom is. Its dumb, its even absurd, but I need it, and I'm willing to admit I need it, at the cost of my dignity, I am willing to say it "I NEED Mother's Day to be CELEBRATED, because if its not, it will inevitably bring out the self-centered Villainess in me, and I don't like her at all (and I KNOW you don't either.)"
Posted by Goob at 9:22 AM
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
What you ask? How was my mother's day?
Posted by Goob at 8:01 AM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Posted by Goob at 9:37 AM
Saturday, May 9, 2009
...its the day you get ready for nothing...J/K. But I am in a sing-song-y kind of mood again, which is amazing, because I'm carrying around an extra 5 lbs of water weight from the horrible chinese food I "ate" last night. (and by ATE, I mean, put in my mouth, chewed, swallowed, and came home and puked up).
Here's a few little ditty's I'd like to hear from the pulpit tomorrow morn. I was hoping that perhaps the young men could quick put together an ensemble, its always such a pleasure. ;)
"If You Chance to Meet a Mom"
If you chance to meet a mom
and you are being bad
you had better run away before she gets her bat
no one likes a real mad mom
you better run away
you had better make her smile
if you want a better day
or, how about
"My Mom Has Seen the Glory"
My mom has seen the glory of a sparkling clean room
it happened in her dreams one day
She just gave me a broom
I don't know what to do with it
she just tells me to go
to my room, better march sir, now!
Mommy's lost her silly mind
if she thinks I'm gonna clean
Cleaning up is just for mommy's
but not on Mother's Day.
Mommy said she didn't want a present
"Just Be GOOD"
How is it a special day if I'm just being good?
Being good's no fun and 'sides
a presents better pay
My mom's trying to ruin my day
Mommy thinks "good" is present
Mommy's gonna build resentment
Mommy didn't want a present
she's just being a mean mom
Mommy loved her breakfast
served in bed on this great day
Cheerios and milk and toast
on a wire tray
The cooling rack don't hold the bowl
and cheerios are in the bed
Now Mom is turning Red
Mommy's trying to be forgiving
5-am's an hour for living
Mommy's looking kind of tired
But she won't get a nap today!
Happy Mother's Day! May your day be blessed with peace, quiet, and happiness! (or at least the dream of)
Posted by Goob at 8:10 AM
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Here is a list of things which I have either participated in or observed within the last 24 hours. Its up to you to guess which one's I was a participant in, and which one's I Observed.
Pouring a 40oz (we're not talkin Dr. Peppy here)into a plastic cup in the parking lot of the corner store prior to pulling out of said parking lot.
Pouring 40oz contents into parking lot after being told "that's not a good idea"
Being told "You just never know who's watching, do you?"
Hearing a crash at the same time as 40oz event is happening
Hitting a jeep
Deploying both airbags
Taking out an electric box
Disabling traffic lights at major intersection
Signing lease agreement for home, sight unseen
Selling ceiling fans over the internet
Heard somebody say "There's a lump in the wall because it hasn't been sanded yet, the teenagers had nothing to do with it"
Waiting in a quarter mile long line for free BBQ
Made new friends
Ate free BBQ
Squirted Mud on Somebody
Threw a fit over music choices
Watched a stupid movie
Fell Asleep on the Toilet
Posted by Goob at 9:26 AM
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Posted by Goob at 9:07 AM
Monday, May 4, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I've re-read the post below, and while it reflected my attitude the day I wrote it, today, I'm embarrassed by it. I mean, really truly embarrassed. I know its natural to want better than you have, but why was I making myself miserable over it? By accepting "acceptable" we've blossomed as a family. What is my problem? I need to be incredibly grateful that "acceptable" has given us opportunities we have not had as a family prior to living in "acceptable" quarters. There are things that are important to me that having a nicer home would take away.
Posted by Goob at 9:09 PM