Dearest Damsel In Distress/Elena wants a Portable Oven

Ok, so you're smart enough to age yourself by an extra year for the new 2009 round of this scammy "Damsel in Distress" e-mail (as seen by the snopes.com posting from "Don Enrico" who had this exact same letter last year in which you were only 31 years old.) But what you're not smart enough to realize is that your letter smacks of scammery. Yes scammery. I know that's not "yet" a word, but I'm making it a word and I'm submitting it for "word of the year" to Websters Dictionary. If "Truthiness" can win, so can "scammery" its a verb, and it means "the action of scamming".

Let me break it down for you as to how I knew your sob-story was a scam.

1. Your broken English. Yes, you explained that you live in Russian Province, so I should probably just chalk your poor English up to your Eastern European background, but I only accept poor English e-mail from one source, my dear friend who's first language is Spanish. Everybody else, if you want me to think you're not trying to take my money, learn better English. (how's that for xenophobic?)

2. You "founded" my address on the internet. Well, you found it somewhere, but I didn't post it on a bulletin board as an invitation to all to send me scammy letters asking for wood burning stoves.

3. You're telling me the exact price of a wood burning stove, but you're asking me to send you a stove in case I happen to have one over here in America that I'm no longer using. Its alot like the guys standing on the corner with signs saying "will work for money" but they're sitting on a bucket across from a "Help Wanted" sign. You're hoping that I'll just send money, that way, if you decide you'd rather have a fur coat than an iron stove, you can totally do that!

4. How very kind of you to go ahead and figure out the exchange rate and all so you could tell me the exact dollar amount that this stove will cost in US dollars. It just strikes me as strange.

So here's what I think will happen if I respond to your letter. It will go something like this:
For one, you're probably really hoping I'm a man, because your little scam will work out alot better with a dude. So, if I'm a guy and I write you back that I don't have a stove, but I'd really like to help you and your children out, so where can I send a small amount of money? You're going to write back about how grateful you are for my kindness and lay all kinds of accolades on me. You're going to really build me up, make me feel special. We'll exchange e-mails for a while, and you'll eventually invite me to set up a chat with you, you like me that much. So we'll chat about all manner of things, how much my job sucks, how much I don't deserve to be treated so poorly by my boss/wife/mother/room-mate, we'll talk about your children, how they're just getting over pneumonia, how much the wood burning stove has helped them this winter, etc, etc. Eventually we'll exchange pictures. I'll send you my real picture, you'll tell me how handsome I am, even in all my self-loathing, I'll want to believe that you, the most beautiful girl from Russia I've ever seen actually thinks I'm handsome. The picture you have sent me will be somebody else entirely, in fact, you're probably a guy, but the picture you will send me will be totally hot! I will fall in love with you because you will make me feel special and you are the only person in the world that is grateful I exist. You will have more sickness, more job losses, maybe even an eviction, I will send you my rent money so you can pay yours. Eventually, something will happen to make me realize I've been used and I will kill myself because I feel so stupid about thinking a beautiful Russian woman actually cared about me when really it was some big fat convict taking my money.

So, I guess I won't respond to your letter this time. I am not a guy, I don't have a coal stove, and I don't really want to send $285 US dollars for you to get one.

Here is the e-mail I received:

Hi,

My name is Elena, I have 32 years and I live in Russian province. I work in library and I can use computer after my work when possible. I finded your address in internet and I decided to write you this letter.

I have a 8-years old daughter Angelina, her father abandoned us and we live with my mother.

Due to the financial crisis recently my mother lost job and our situation became very difficult.

The prices for gas and electricity is very high in our region and we cannot use it to heat our home anymore.

The winter is coming and weather becoming colder each day. We are very afraid and we don't know what to do.

The only accessible way for us to heat our home is to use a portable oven which work with burning wood. We have enough wood in our region and this oven will heat our home all winter for minimal charges.

Unfortunately, we cannot buy this oven in our city because it costs equivalent of 285 US dollars and very expensive for us.

If you have any old portable oven and in case you don't use it anymore, we will be very grateful to you if you can donate it to us and organize transport of this oven to our address (200km from Moscow). This ovens are different, usually they made from cast iron.

I will be waiting for your answer.

With deep respect from Russia,
Elena and my family.