Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Laws of the Universe, According to me and various other family members

If its easy, it makes you fat, if its difficult it makes you skinny.


If you're going to hide, don't fart.

Its a little known fact that Chef-Boy-R-Dee is chock-full of tomatoes.  It is important to keep it this way. (The little known fact part).

As it turns out 6 year old boys are confused by the idea that tomatoes are good for their Man-Parts, thankfully so. (thank you DADDY for pointing this out at dinner time, and NO I was NOT serving Chef-Boy-R-Dee for dinner, thank you very much, that was a nice green salad.  Chef-Boy-R-Dee is for after school snacks, and no, I don't pretend that I think its "healthy")

If you say it, and its naughty, your children will say it too.  If you say it and its not naughty, your children will act like you've never spoken a word to them in their life.

The threat of being treated like a baby if a child continues to act like a baby, sometimes backfires.  Terribly.

The promise of no nap-time in exchange for no thumb-sucking results in a very crabby kid who doesn't suck their thumb.

If a child states she wants to be Cinderella when she grows up, don't go getting ready to retire in style.  Chances are she is referring to the idea that mopping the floor on her hands and knees looks like fun to her.

Acts of kindness between syblings are often suspect. Compliment them anyways.

If you spend 5 dollars on a pair of sunglasses, you will never lose them.  If you spend $20, they will be gone the next day.  (If you spend $400, you might as well get the boob-job to go with.)

If you decide to "coupon"...hope you like pasta. 

Pasta is a great pantry item at .25 a bag.

The difference between grown men and little boys is that their bodies are finally big enough to carry out the jack-assery they think of in their heads.

It is entirely possible that the Nephites used the same kind of canons against the Lamanites as Jar Jar Binks used against the Trade Federation.

If you begin every statement with the phrase "I know"...It carries 10xs more weight than if you start it with "Did you know".

3 year olds are entirely capable of following instructions from 6 year olds and adults who are not realtives of the 3 year old.

If your name is "Aunt Melanie"...you are a hero. 

Stopping drains decreases populations of fruit flies.  Nasty lunchboxes increase populations of fruit flies.

While getting drunk and smoking pot in public, do not be surprised if somebody calls the cops before you put your 5 kids in the car to go home.

If you call the cops on drunks and pot heads, do not be surprised if their friends drive by you later and behave in a menacing manner.

Its easy to say "do the right thing" its much harder to do it.

Stereotypes exist because some people love to live the "type".

If Chewbaca decides to tear your arms out, when he's done, he will kick you in the nuts, because that's what Wookies do.

Writing a critique of a children's school assembly gets you google-hits and very long letters from the producers of the assembly.

Diet Pepsi tastes better than Diet Coke, unless you mix Diet Cranberry/Pomegranate juice with it, in which case it tastes like insecticide, but without the calories.









11 comments:

SO said...

Stereotypes exist because some people love to live the "type".So true. T

hat and the very first Law of the Universe. Well all of them are true. Great list.

Jillene said...

hehe!! GREAT list!!

Erin said...

What a great list. The sunglasses one was my favorite.

Kristina P. said...

Ahhhhh, potheads. So delightful.

Lara said...

You are a very wise woman. And your family members, too.

And don't forget, the school assembly not only gets you very long letters from said creator, but also anyone who commented on your post got one, too.

Whitney R said...

I really like the if you hide, don't fart... what a GREAT tip!

The Wixom Zoo said...

Hahahaha!!!! Jack-assery! I love it!

Mina said...

Star Wars weaponry and the Book of Mormon. I see dissertation material here.

Aunt Melanie IS a hero!

tiburon said...

All fantastic things. I think I just fell in love with you a little bit.

Heatherlyn said...

Now that is a wonderful list. Thank you for taking the time to write it up and post it!

Hartson family said...

Lisa- You are too smart and funny for your own good- and ours.