Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Man's guide to avoid giving quite possibly the worst gift ever

**if you're just reading this today, and it seems perhaps a little too close to this, please note my  publish date and the fact that I've never even heard of Wasatch Woman Magazine before today...although, Boy do I have an idea for a spoof! (Wasatch/Sasquatch...we'll go there another time.)

Nothing says "Hey babe, I love you, but you're starting to look a little too much like a primate for my tastes" better than a gift certificate to the Dr's office to have them shine a pretty laser at her chin several times over the next few months.  That rubberband snapping against the cheek feeling will only last a moment and she can go about her day with only a little bit of red irritation. Doesn't that sound delightful?

I mean, don't get me wrong, a little well placed laser treatment really could be a good thing, but this kind of gift giving could get a man a swift kick in the family jewels.  Dying to give her a "spa" treatment?  Then purchase a gift certificate and let her chose her own pampering.  Who knows, maybe she'll get those unsightly hairs lased off anyways, but at least you won't be guilty of causing her to believe you find her grotesque.

Here are a few more items no man should ever consider purchasing as a Christmas gift for the woman he loves:

Vacuum cleaner.  It doesn't matter if its the $60.00 model, or the $460.00 model.  No matter how badly your lady wants a new vacuum cleaner, this is never an appropriate gift.  This is the kind of thing that should come out of the regular everyday household budget.  Reserve your gift giving budget for romantic gestures and items which lack necessity.

Ski bib.  Its true YOU may think your wife looks beautiful in anything she puts on, but I promise you, given the choice, she will never willingly choose to look more like the stay-puff-marshmallow man than any other thing. (except maybe a wookie)

New Tires or Brakes.  Its probably better to just agree ahead of time that you will not be exchanging gifts this year than to pretend that such things are your gift to her for Christmas.  If you do go the "Merry Christmas babe, I got you new tires so you don't have a blow out on the freeway while you've got all 8 kids in the car" route, may I suggest you at least purchase the lifetime free balancing and rotation package?

Don't bother to tell her what you "wanted" to get her, if it is significantly more costly than what you really got her unless A: the item you really wanted to get her is currently out of stock and thus unavailable for purchase, and B: you can actually afford to purchase the item when it becomes available again and you have plans to do so.  Also, if she asks you for a trip to Hawaii or other exotic location do not add the phrase "hopefully some day" to the answer of "no" unless you have started a savings account and put at least $10.00 in it.

Electronics.  Unless she asks specifically for a certain piece of technology, its always safer to not buy her anything that may be misinterpreted to actually be a gift for yourself.  If she's super techy, she'll let you know which piece of equipment she wants.  If she's not, you're probably wasting your money on a gadget she has no idea what to do with, and no interest in learning how to operate it.  The one possible exception may be an upgraded camera or video camera, so long as she can open it and use it right away without having to read an instruction book for hours before beginning.

"As seen on TV"...honestly, she probably never wanted a Chia Pet, the Strapper, or a Ped-egg.  A Snuggie may be a possible exception, but you'll want to check with her first. Chances are good she either thinks the Snuggie is the greatest invention ever, or the stupidest, you take your chances on her response if you don't ask.


Lamps Family said...

I need to get Dana to read this!!LOL

Kristina P. said...

Oh, have I got another As Seen on Tv item for you!

ramsam said...

So funny! You nailed it!

I had seen a cool pink tool set for women to use around the house (so you don't have to dig through his greasy tools) and I said I liked that idea.

Then comes Mother's Day.....
my hubby got me a complete wrench set. It was like, 100 bucks and I had NO IDEA what to do with it. I remember locking my pregnant self in the bathroom and crying.

Is it really the thought that counts?

(in his defense he has made up for that day many times over, and gives great gifts now!)

The Sartori's said...

I asked for a ped egg, I got a computer. I was actually disappointed, so Andy went and got me that too :)

rachel said...

It's taken almost 14 years, but I may have finally trained my hubby. :)

Chris said...


Our first Christmas together, my husband thought it was a nice idea to wrap up household cleaners for me. He's lucky to still be alive (and married 20 years now!).

Anonymous said...

Larry has gotten much better over the years. This should be required reading, though, for newly-wed men.