Thursday, May 14, 2009

How's this for honesty?

I dont' think there is any way to convey strongly enough how badly I want to be that woman who is so satisfied with her life, so joyful in her relationships, so confident in her abilities, that Mother's Day could come and go without acknowledgement, and it would have zero impact on my feelings about myself or my family.

But I can't find that woman inside of me. She is just not there. I tried, I tried so hard to not care that the day passed without acknowledgement from my husband or children. I really, REALLY tried. But it got to me, and the more it got to me, the more angry I became with myself for letting it get to me. The more angry I felt, the less kind I was. Patience? Have none. Jealousy? Plenty. And all I can do is beat myself up for not being able to be that woman who can go through life not needing the reassurance that she's appreciated. But the more I beat myself up over it, the worse my behavior is, and the more my family is convinced that I don't deserve appreciation, what's left to appreciate when mom's not patient, kind, or loving? And to think, all I wanted was to be told "Thank you Mom, we know you work hard." Maybe a little hand-drawn card would have been nice too. I would also have accepted "I wanted to do x,y, or z for you, but with trying to make a move and everything we have to do with that, I thought we better wait till things calm down." Perhaps a "I know you said you didn't need anything, but I want you to know how much you're appreciated" accompanied by a kiss would have done something for me. but none of those things happened, and I felt like a servant on the day most of my friends were being treated like queens.

I know I'm not alone in this, I know there are others who were A: let down, and who are B: beating themselves up over the fact that they just can't seem to find that woman inside them who doesn't need the acknowledgement. So my question is this: Is it possible to be the woman who doesn't need it? If it is possible, is it just a single decision you make? Do you just decide "I am now the woman who does not need thanks or acknowledgement on a designated day of the year in order to be happy and satisfied." (And let me just say, and I think my blog generally displays this fact...I am VERY happy with my life. I love my family, and I know they love me, I just can't seem to not care about this stupid designated day of appreciation being overlooked) or is it a series of decisions that you make that get you to the point that you don't need it? Maybe the key is just admitting "Hey people, try as I might, I am not going to accept being overlooked on Mother's Day, so please, don't put us all in this position, do something, anything, and tell me I'm special ON Mother's Day, even though you tell me all the time, say it again, Please! Because I am lame and I need to know that you think I'm just as important as poor Joey Crack Head thinks his Mom is. Its dumb, its even absurd, but I need it, and I'm willing to admit I need it, at the cost of my dignity, I am willing to say it "I NEED Mother's Day to be CELEBRATED, because if its not, it will inevitably bring out the self-centered Villainess in me, and I don't like her at all (and I KNOW you don't either.)"

12 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I am so sorry about this. I hear this so much, and I just don't get it! You do deserve all that and more.

Erin said...

Sometimes I think we have to be explicit with what we want: "I want to feel special. Please do something to help me feel special." I know if nothing happened at my house on Mother's Day I would be furious!

You deserve to have a special day, and to feel loved and important on that special day!

Chef Tess said...

Thank you! I finally feel understood. I spent Mother's day in urgent care with a sick child. On top of feeling like the day went by totally acknowledged...I felt exhausted. I match your feelings in every way including my brat attitude. Thanks for being so honest. I now can move forward knowing I am not the only one who felt uappreciated on Mother's Day. Love you!!

The Wixom Zoo said...

You're definitely not alone. My husband announced the day before MOther's Day that it was no longer going to be a gift giving holiday because we don't need to spend money on every piddily holiday that's on the calendar. But he gave his mom a gift... *sigh* In his defense, he did make me breakfast and dinner (leaving a wonderfully HUGE mess for me to clean up.) We'll see how he feels about the no gift thing when Father's Day rolls around.
P.S. Thanks for letting me whine a little bit.

tiburon said...

I am so bummed FOR YOU. And mad FOR YOU!

That sucks.

We all need validation and celebration - and I think anyone that says they don't is either kidding themselves or lying.

I hope they make up for it!

Karen said...

I don't think it's just women that need validation. I think every human being needs to know they're loved and appreciated. I think Erin is right. You should be explicit about being kind to one another and showing appreciation....starting with you!
*** hugs ****

Shantel said...

I am so sorry. This is such a hard thing. I totally understand. Believe me. This is something I struggle with too. This is what is so hard to get. To lose our lives. To not need recognition, or acknowledgement. We are supposed to get there..I have not arrived. We just have to keep plugging away. Seek for humility. If you figure that one out. let me know. However, I do think honesty - like you have given - is a wonderful start to it all.

Vanessa said...

I don't think you are being a big whiner about! I am sorry it was overlooked, and even a little acknowledgment would have been nice. When we get postive reinforcement we try a little harder (just like our kids) and I understand why you would be a little bitter and upset. You didn't expect the world, just a thanks. And we all deserve a thanks once in a while. And if we need a national date on the calendar to get it...FINE!

Hartson family said...

I had the hand-drawn cards. I had Dad make dinner. BUT I just didn't feel celebrated. :(
Maybe next year.

SO said...

I think that everyone needs to hear thanks. Especially on that special day. I'm sorry that you didn't get that. Sometimes we do need to ask. And I have such a hard time doing that. It makes it seem like it's not as special because I had to ask and I hate that. Hate it. But sometimes it's necessary.

Heatherlyn said...

I think you are perfectly normal to feel the way you do. I would feel that way.

And then the next Mother's day, I would fully buy myself some beautiful flowers, and my favorite chocolate, and tell my honey that he is going to stay home with the kids for the day while I go out and do whatever I want. It's not the same as homemade cards and aknowledgement from the spouse BUT whoever said that you have to be underappreciated in silence?!! Really, my husband has asked the last few years what I'd like for Mother's day and I tell him. This was the first year (and it's taken almost a decade) that he's actually surprised me with something. Men can be fairly clueless. I'm surprised that your kids' teachers didn't have them make anything in school!
I would ROYALLY feel sorry for myself if my kids and husband didn't do anything.

Tink said...

I feel for you! I really do. I blogged about something similar. I think there are many more of us out there that feel the same. You said it so much better than I ever could. I hope since then, things got better.